Sunday, June 3, 2012

Piranha 3DD


This is Big Brother, for todays task Gary Busey, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames, David Hasslehoff, Clu Gulager, David Koechner, Katrina Bowden and that goofy guy from The League will film a sequel to Alexandre Aja's Piranha 3D, to be amusingly titled Piranha 3DD. The winners of todays task will be whoever still has a anything remotely resembling a career once the credits roll. It isn't going to be easy and many of you will fail, for those who are left be proud of your achievement, if you can survive this you can survive anything.


The screen capture above illustrates the perfect (only?) age to be able to enjoy John Gulager's Piranha 3DD. Having enjoyed Aja's remake of Joe Dante's original Piranha I expected the law of diminishing returns to take effect but this sequel is beyond terrible, considering it's budget it has to be one of the worst movies I've seen for many a year. Predictable, cheap, desperate, stupid and trashy in all of the worst ways imaginable the film is truly car crash cinema. It made me think of how even more unbearable Hobo With A Shotgun would have been without Rutger Hauer, yet Piranha 3DD makes that concept seem worthy of the Palme D'Or.

Katrina Bowden
The dialogue in this scene perfectly represents Piranha 3DD
Filling a movie with blood and T&A, while striving to out do all others in making it as moronic as possible does not equal grindhouse cinema, it just makes for fucking awful cinema. The overriding feeling I was left with after finishing Piranha 3DD was of the desperation of the cast, perfectly summed up by Hasslehoff's performance, who does his usual reality show schtick and I'm afraid it's nowhere near good enough. Avoid at all costs, don't make the same mistake I did! One for masochists only.



3 comments:

Ty said...

Great review.

This looks like a tough sit...Will probably not see it. It's hard to beat Piranha 3-D...that one was a blast!

Phantom of Pulp said...

Agree. Horrendously awful crap.

ERIC JONES said...

Yea saw it and the aUthor wasn't far off from his critic of the movie but to take a classic revamp it and to not do it correctly is blasphemous to the original film and gives no justice to the original cast and crew. There is a lot of remakes going on but all I see is the destruction of the cinema I grew up on as well as the rotten no class no dignity horror class that it has become by today's definition. These people are destroying classics and it seems they aren't even putting forth an effort. Horror isn't these new movies we observe horror is sitting through them.

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